I’ve been an avid reader of The New York Times Modern Love column since shortly after it debuted in 2004. Yet despite putting together a how-to-crack Modern Love treatise — and studying nearly every podcast, writers event and live New York Times event featuring Modern Love Editor Dan Jones — I still haven’t a clue what he and co-editor Miya Lee are after.
What I do know: Modern Love often features stories about parents — those who are lost (this one is a personal favorite), absent, or who have never been found. And it makes sense. Parental love is the very first type of love we experience, and some might argue the most powerful.
With Father’s Day upon us, I thought I’d shine a light on Tara Ellison’s fantastic Father’s Day essay about her absent dad. And yes, I’m mimicking the format of the how-to piece I wrote a year ago.
First sentence: It’s that time of year again when I have to avoid the greeting card aisle at the grocery store.
How many times have you pitched the Modern Love column: I’ve been a fan of the column since back in the early days. I’ve submitted essays so many times over the years that I’ve lost count. Some of those pieces were published elsewhere and some are still languishing on my computer. What made the difference is that over that period, I honed my voice, read the column religiously and got more feedback on drafts before submitting.
Date you pitched your accepted essay: Father’s Day was coming up and I had this quirky essay about growing up without a dad. It’s a story that I’ve spent most of my life trying to make sense of, and trying to find the right way to tell. The essay included a cheesy little poem I wrote as a child – not something I had ever seen in the column before. It seemed like a really long shot but I submitted it on May 25th, 2020. I figured I had probably missed the cut-off and that he likely had already made his Father’s Day selection. But since he had rejected me so many times before, it had also taken the sting out of submitting.
Date Dan accepted your submission: May 29, 2020
Length of the pitch portion of your submission: I kept it brief, only a few lines. Something to the effect of “I hope you’ll consider my essay about what Father’s Day is like for someone who grew up without a dad.”
Please tell me a little bit about your editorial experience: Daniel Jones is a master storyteller. It’s a dream to work with him. He has an innate sense for story and is so skilled at drawing out threads of your story that you hadn’t thought of including. During our one-hour editing session, he asked how we eventually found my father and I said, “You’re never going to believe this – my mother found him in a brochure. It was sitting on her seat at a conference, she opened it up and there he was!” And he said. “Oh, wow. We have to include that.” So, we did.
Please share a little bit about your experience in the days, weeks and months after publication: The experience was as heady and marvelous as you might imagine. My writing community was incredibly supportive and shared my essay so much that it brought tears to my eyes. Friends and family got caught up in the excitement, too, and virtually the second it went up online, my cousin in Australia was texting me in the middle of the night saying, “Oh my god you’re up!!!” You forget, but the Modern Love column has such a wide readership all over the world. Despite the contact form on my website glitching and being down for the first two days, I received messages and emails from people all over the world who related to my experience and wanted to share their own absent father stories. That felt like a magical exchange. Knowing that my little story was winging its way around the world and touching the hearts of other people was a great honor. One woman told me that she hadn’t been in contact with her father for many years but after reading my essay, she was inspired to reach out to him.
So, my essay had a quiet impact and not a big splashy one. Certain columns land and then the book deals flood in, and you’re off to the races but I wasn’t expecting that with this essay. This essay sort of capped off a lifelong struggle and for me. The story felt complete. Dan Jones has forever transformed my phobia of Father’s Day! I will celebrate it now. Having the Modern Love credit has given me a measurable boost in confidence — and street cred with other writers! I expect that it will help when I eventually send out my book proposal. I do have a lot of people asking me to read their Modern Love drafts now and coming to me to help them tell their stories, so that’s also been unexpected and fun.
Any words of wisdom for writers who aspire to write a Modern Love essay? Don’t be worried about rejection. I was rejected so many times that I lost count. If he had accepted an earlier essay, without all the blood, sweat and tears that went into those rejected pieces, this accomplishment might not feel as sweet. Also, with any big story in your life that you’re trying to tell, don’t tell the whole thing – pick a small part of it. Pick an unusual angle. Surprise people with your humor and be generous where they might not expect you to be. And good luck!
A favorite passage from Tara’s essay: During my infrequent calls with Michael, I also began asking him questions about his past, and he answered. That’s how I learned that his mother abandoned him as a boy, never to be seen again. The agony of losing his mother, living through the war in England, plus the death of a sibling deeply traumatized him. No wonder the idea of a family had been so terrifying. I felt a swell of compassion for the lost and hurting child he must have been.
Want more Modern Love essays written by or about fathers. Here are a few other favorites:
Looking at My Father, Inside and Out
So, He Looked Like Dad. It Was Just Dinner, Right?
Dear Dad: We’ve Been Gay for a Really Long Time
Are You There, Dad? It’s Me, Alice
Father and Daughter: One Final Connection (lest you think ML never covers death; they do, but they’re also inundated with death-related submissions)
Can’t get enough Modern Love? I stumbled across this index, which may or may not lead you down a rabbit hole. And yes, Tara Ellison’s piece is catalogued here. Enjoy!