The Quest for a Modern Love Clip

by Oct 6, 2020


5 Authors Share How They Cracked the Code

When you ask a writer “what would be your dream clip,” landing a Modern Love column is a common response. The publication receives somewhere around 8,000 submissions each year, according to the column’s editor, Dan Jones. Yet, they have precious few slots to fill.

Jones, widely acclaimed as a super nice guy, has said the odds of landing a Modern Love column is about on par with winning the lottery. So how do you snag one of those coveted slots? I may not be the best person to ask. I’ve taken a shot at it four times and been rejected three. Before you get too excited, the fourth submission is still awaiting a response. An informal poll among writer pals who have been accepted and rejected revealed that I could be waiting for months. But I digress.

Jones says a lot of the stories he rejects would be accepted by other outlets. That has been true for me. One of my Modern Love submissions landed in Newsweek. Another got picked up by YourTango.com. And I’m still re-working the third.

Since I’m not yet qualified to dole out advice about this particular column, I consulted six Modern Love authors for advice. Two of the six authors featured here have won the lottery twice! Here are their stories and insight:

Kerry Egan: Married to a Mystery Man and My Husband Wore Really Tight Shorts to the Eclipse Party
First sentence of essay #1: On the drive from the Calgary airport to the hotel for our honeymoon, my new husband casually mentioned that he would need to find a criminal defense attorney when we got home.
First sentence of essay #2: My husband, Alex, strode across the football field and toward me wearing a white undershirt, black dress shoes and socks, and a pair of skintight, blaze-orange nylon shorts that fit like hot pants.
How many times have you pitched the Modern Love column: Twice; both essays were accepted.
Date you pitched your accepted essays: Essay #1: March 8, 2017; Essay #2: May 10, 2019
Date Dan accepted your submissions: Essay #1: July 20, 2017. Essay #2: May 15, 2019 (The speedy response time may reflect the fact that Egan delivered it straight to Dan’s inbox since she’d placed a Modern Love story before.)
Length of the pitch portion of your submission: The pitch portion of both was two sentences. “I’ve written an essay I hope you’ll consider for Modern Love. Thank you, and I hope to hear from you soon.”
Please tell me a little bit about your editorial experience. The editorial process was quick and painless. He tightened up a couple of sentences, cut some extraneous words, and did not ask for any changes. I okayed his edits, and that was it. I’d heard he likes a little bit extra to cut, so I sent in about 1650 words. He edited both essays to 1500 words exactly! I thought he was a great editor, extremely easy to work with.
Please share a little bit about your experience in the days, weeks and months after publication. It was really fun to see the response to the essays. Some people loved them, some hated them, some loved me, some hated me, some loved my husband, some hated him. I think if you realize that people’s reactions to your essays have nothing to do with you as a person, as an individual, it can be a very funny experience to read the comments. Dan forwarded some really beautiful, powerful private emails that people had sent him, and I loved that. I find writing to be really lonely work, so connecting with readers (even if they disagree with or hate what I wrote!) is what I like best. Modern Love got me a lot of connection with readers. I’m grateful for that. I don’t think it really changed my career. It was a personal goal, and I’m proud I reached it.
Any words of wisdom for writers who aspire to write a Modern Love essay? With my essays, I tried to reach people outside my own personal romance to try to explore something more universal. I like connecting my experiences to other writers — philosophers, theologians, psychologists. I like to be in conversation not just with the reader but with writers who have come before me. My Modern Love essays were about my husband, but they were also about big, eternal ideas. That’s the kind of writing I like to read, the kind of books I try to write. I also think that the two anecdotes I chose to anchor the essays were funny, and it’s fun to read funny stories. So I guess my advice would be: 1. Use your romantic story as a jumping off point or an example to explore universal ideas that allow you to connect to the reader, so that the essay isn’t just navel gazing. 2. Find the humor. It can still be a sad story. But funny makes the sad sadder, the romance more romantic, the heartbreak more heartbreaking.
A favorite passage from Kerry’s first essay: That’s really what falling in love is, isn’t it? Yearning to know more about a person, the amazement and delight as each layer is peeled back, the realization that you can never get enough of the one you love. Perhaps the death knell of love is not anger or even indifference; it’s losing the desire to know more about your partner.
And from the second: But now, 25 years later, that freedom I once wanted so badly for myself was infuriating. Alex’s ability to simply be unaware of the judgment of others has always been intoxicating. Except when it’s embarrassing.

Caren Chesler: Alexa? Please Ignore My Husband
First sentence: They say never threaten divorce unless you mean it.
How many times have you pitched the Modern Love column? Two, maybe three times.
Date you pitched the accepted essay: January 17, 2018
Date Dan accepted your essay: April 26, 2018
Length of the pitch portion of your submission: One sentence: Please consider the following essay, which is pasted below and is attached.
Please tell me a little bit about your editorial experience: Dan Jones wrote: “I like this piece. It’s funny and moving and contemporary. It’s a little too short for the space; Modern Love runs at 1500 words, meaning this needs another 250. Do you have a bit more? One place that could use an explanation or follow up is the stroke at the end; seems odd to raise that and then drop it, though we don’t need a full side story at that point. I’ll leave it to you where you might expand otherwise. Interested?”
I told him, with forced muted enthusiasm, that I was interested. Actually, I responded, “Hot diggedy dog!” And then I forwarded Jones’ email to friends and loved ones, with the message, ” Surely, this is someone else’s life…(see below)…”
I wrote another 250 words, which he really liked. He said they not only expounded on a point, but they actually enhanced the essay. I was walking on Cloud Nine. I felt I could do no wrong. He then wanted to have a phone call, to chat about the piece. I got the impression, or he told me, they always do this, in part because they want to make sure everyone named is on board.
Please share a little bit about your experience in the days, weeks and months after publication: Publishing the piece did not change my career. No book deal. No assignments were doled out because of it, as far as I know. It did, however, change my confidence level. In the weeks and months after, I thought I was a great essay writer. But as always happens, after a year, I began to slide back into my old insecure ways and convinced myself that the main reason I got in there was because they had another piece fall through, and they needed something with a fast turnaround to fill the space (Jones did mention that another piece fell through, and they needed something quickly).
Any words of wisdom for writers who aspire to write an ML column? I know they say this all the time: read the publication. Well, in this case, I’d definitely do that. I went through numerous columns and tried to crack the code, the formula, going through each one and writing notes in the margin of whether it was present moment action or reverie, and I’d look at how many graphs of present moment action would they have before going into reverie, and then how many graphs of reverie would they have before back to present tense action. I looked at how much dialogue versus paraphrase, and I’d look at endings, to see how they wrapped everything up. This is probably a good exercise for writing essays, in general. But the truth is, when I wrote my piece, it was something that just spilled out onto the paper after mentioning my situation to some writer friends over breakfast, and one or two of them said, “You should write an essay on that!” And so I did.
A favorite passage from Caren’s essay: Recently I mentioned the issue of Bruce’s selective hearing to some girlfriends over breakfast at a local diner, and they cackled in agreement. It seems many men have an auditory impairment that disrupts their ability to hear certain tones, like the sound of their wife’s voice. It’s like the way dogs can hear certain tones that we can’t — except the opposite.

Melanie Bishop: I Would Have Driven Her Anywhere
First sentence: When my mother was booted from an assisted living facility in North Carolina for being “too high maintenance,” my husband, Ted, and I agreed to have her live near us in Prescott, Ariz.
How many times have you pitched the Modern Love column? Three times. The third time I submitted, it was accepted.
Date pitched: September 1, 2018
Date accepted: October 26, 2018
Length of the pitch portion of your submission: My cover letter was super brief. I think people should keep the note so brief. It’s never the note that’s going to win them over. They read all submissions. So the best plan is to say the bare essentials, and then get out of the way so they can read the essay.
Please tell me a little bit about your editorial experience. Dan starts with a phone call. Then he follows up within a few days with his edits, via email. It was a very kind, cooperative process. One thing I remember learning is that the title of your essay, while it matters at the time of submission and should be carefully thought out, that title will rarely be the one it’s published under.
Please share a little bit about your experience in the days, weeks and months after publication. The whole experience was fantastic, as exciting as everyone says it is. Due to the popularity of the column, there is just no greater exposure for a writer. Thousands of hits to my website, 70-something emails from fans of the essay, and deep connections with so many readers who’d also lost a parent. For me, having an essay in Modern Love was way more exciting than publishing my YA novel. I think it would be hard to match the experience of the morning you’re in Modern Love. I’d already proven myself as a college professor of writing and lit for 22 years, and as a founder and editor of a literary magazine for 17 years, and as a freelance editor/coach/retreat mentor for five years, but landing in Modern Love gave me a different kind of credibility. I started teaching a Modern Love essay class for Stanford Continuing Studies (on hiatus now due to COVID) and I have mentored some Modern Love retreats at Playa Summer Lake in Oregon. I also have many clients hire me to help them with an essay aimed at Modern Love. It has been a great addition to an already very satisfying career.
Any words of wisdom for writers who aspire to write a Modern Love column? Study the column. Read both books by Dan Jones — the anthology of Modern Love essays and Love Illuminated. Read the compiled tips from Dan Jones, which originally appeared on the column’s FB page, and have since been compiled. Take advantage of all the helpful advice he has offered up. Print it out. Read it and reread it.
A favorite passage from Melanie’s essay: Finally, Ted convinced me to have it towed to our carport until I could figure out what to do. Brilliant. Why hadn’t I thought of that? Once the car was home, visible every time I came and went, it rejoined the family, like a low-maintenance version of my mother.

Hannah Selinger: Friends Without Benefits
First sentence: I MET him when I was 22 and squandering a year of my life (and liver quality) working as a waitress in my Massachusetts hometown.
How many times have you pitched the Modern Love column? “I submitted to Modern Love twice before, in 2005 (when I was 25), and in 2007 (when I was 27). Both times, I was rejected. The piece that I ultimately sold I wrote without any appreciable revision. I remember writing it around Thanksgiving, at my brother’s computer. It took me all of a half hour, and I just sent it into the ether thinking, Oh, what the Hell.”
Date pitched: November 25, 2012
Date accepted: January 2, 2013
Length of the pitch portion of your submission: It was just a bio paragraph. No pitch. I included a few sentences as an author bio.
Please tell me a little bit about your editorial experience. Dan schedules a phone call and then goes over the details. I had included the name of the person I was writing about, so he said that he would have to get permission from that person. I knew that was not going to work, so I changed my piece to pronouns, and removed a few obvious details. He did say on the phone, however, that my piece was not going to require any line edits, apart from one specific edit, which he discussed on the phone.
Please share a little bit about your experience in the days, weeks and months after publication. This was my first national byline, so it made it much easier for me to get freelance work afterwards. I was also selected for the podcast, where a celebrity reads your piece and you speak about your experience. That was a nice moment. The reader response was a bit crazy. Against Dan’s suggestion, I did not tell the person about whom I had written this, but, naturally, he found out, so my phone was ringing nonstop. I received thousands of emails, both directly and forwarded from the Times. It’s a very kind and loving type of response. People really want to connect and tell you about their stories.
Any words of wisdom for writers who aspire to write an Modern Love column? It’s incredibly competitive, and has gotten more competitive since I was lucky enough to land it. It’s kind of the Holy Grail of the Times, as far as the personal essay is concerned. But if you aspire to get there, you need a story that’s compelling, that has a narrative arc, that’s both universal and unique (I know that’s not necessarily helpful, but it’s a truth), and you need to know the vertical. I had read just about every Modern Love column there was before sending my piece in. Familiarity with a publication is always a good key to landing work, so read it, love it, and hope for the best.
A favorite passage from Hannah’s essay: He wanted nothing, and I wanted the world. I lay in bed with my phone cradled to my ear, taking the news as one might receive a diagnosis of cancer. I stayed there all weekend, unable to move, paralyzed by the knowledge that now it was over. Even our friendship was too damaged to repair. This is what happens, I learned, when happily ever after does not happen.

Susan Shapiro: A Visit, and What Really Happened and Making Room for My Junk Man
First sentence of essay #1: HIS e-mail read: “Here for one night. Giants game tomorrow. Buy you a drink?”
First sentence of essay #2: THREE months before our 13th wedding anniversary, my husband announced he was ready to move in with me. For decades he’d kept an apartment as both an office and storage unit.
How many times have you pitched the Modern Love column? “I had 12 Modern Love rejects before my first acceptance.”
Date you pitched the accepted essays: Essay #1: June 15, 2009; Essay #2: March 19, 2012
Date Dan accepted your essays: Essay #1: August 26, 2009; Essay #2: April 23, 2012
Length of the pitch portion of your submission: I always do very short cover letters. Two lines with the title and pitch. Dan has told my classes he likes them short, to the point and mysterious.
Please tell me a little bit about your editorial experience: Working with Dan is a dream. He’s a brilliant editor who instantly makes all of the pieces much better. (Aside from my own two, I’ve seen most of the 50+ originals by students and colleagues and then read their revisions in the paper.)
Please share a little bit about your experience in the days, weeks and months after publication: Both of my Modern Love essays boosted book sales. Several of my students who published Modern Love essays sold books based on their pieces. Aspen Matis got a call from the VP of Harper Collins right after her piece ran, which led to her memoir Girl In the Woods. Of my 50 students who published Modern Love essays, 5 led to books, a dozen were in the podcast, several wounds up in the Modern Love anthologies and one former student’s wound up in the TV series.
Any words of wisdom for writers who aspire to write a Modern Love column? Of the Modern Love pieces my students published what stands out is: the vulnerability, humbleness,  originality of the story (from getting toes sucked the first time, to learning wisdom from a younger millennial lover to sharing plane tickets as the significant other of a brother who works for the airline.) I don’t think there is a formula. He has to fall in love and that’s not necessarily tangible. I think Dan and his smart assistant Miya want to be moved by a new fresh, special, original love story and know what it is when they see it.
A favorite passage from Sue’s first essay: I was so stunned, I lost my breath. I hadn’t seen him in 25 years. I thought I had gotten over the need to get over my first love. But 11 words on a screen and I was a nervous 14-year-old again.
And from the second: THREE months before our 13th wedding anniversary, my husband announced he was ready to move in with me. For decades he’d kept an apartment as both an office and storage unit. But ever since he left a high-paying job last summer, I’d been pushing him to downsize, save the $12,000 annual rent and transport his work space into the Greenwich Village co-op we shared. I just never thought he’d actually do it.
Now that he’d given his landlord notice, I was in a panic. This final merging of our belongings and lives threatened to disrupt my peaceful, uncluttered existence and test our marriage

Today, the Modern Love franchise extends far beyond a slot in the New York Times paper to live reading events, anthologies, a podcast and an Amazon Prime TV show. Jones is very generous in terms of sharing submission tips and advice. He has appeared at writer’s conferences, been interviewed for podcasts and provided an online space with submission tips. A few avenues to help you get up to snuff:

Want more insight about how to break in? Read “The Write Life’s” suggestions, Laura Copeland’s Google Doc of tips, and check out Nicole Whitaker’s Modern Love column analysis in the February 2020 issue of The Writer Magazine.

My takeaways:

  1. “Find the crux of your piece. Then, put it in the first line.”
  2. Write a piece with a two-beat thesis. Whitaker describes it as an I-thought-this-but-learned-this structure. Joyce Maynard suggests your essay answers the question “I used to … but now I.”
  3. Attempt a four-step narrative: Step 1: “Where I Am,” “Where I Was,” or “What I Observed.” Step 2: “How I Got Here.” Step 3: “What Happens Next?” Step 4: “What I Think or Learned Based on What Happened.”

And finally: Write a one- or two-sentence cover; not the three short paragraphs I sent in. We’ll see whether that’s a deal-breaker! And yes, I am obsessing over this.

Until next time writer friends … when I produce a MUCH shorter newsletter.

Happy writing!
a